Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
