life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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