his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
