Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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