Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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