I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
