sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
