the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
