Pants 0. Shit 1.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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