If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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