One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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