I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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