i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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