i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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