When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
