Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
