Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
