Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
