Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize