So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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