sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
