i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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