Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
