where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
