My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
