Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
