I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
