we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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