This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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