I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
