i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
