so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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