thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
