I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
