what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
