saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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