I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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