Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
