College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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