There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
