thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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