the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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