I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
