pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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