When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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