There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
