If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize