Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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