she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
