Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
