My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
