If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
