he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
