so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
