I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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