they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
