That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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