Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
