Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
