She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
