Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
